Selfish Sister

My husband gave me the shocking news yesterday:  His sister will be back in the states for a visit in January 2015.  I immediately began having flashbacks of previous visits.  None were pleasant.

The problem?  *Jamie cannot seem to think about anyone but herself.  As soon as the plane lands, you know that the “queen” has arrived. 

Our phones immediately begin to ring.  She wants to know what the plans are for that evening.  Plans?  We do not have time for plans.  We are busy with this little thing called life.

My husband works at a job that deals with route work.  Essentially, his departure time depends upon what time all of the routes return.  Sometimes he is home at 7:00 p.m., other times it may be 8:30 p.m. or later.  It varies from day to day. 

I am also blessed with a full time job.  This means that I work from 8:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m. Monday through Friday.  What she fails to realize is that my “job” does not stop when I leave the office.  Since Matt does not return home until late in the evening, it is my responsibility to let our fur babies outside to potty.  I also carve in time to exercise so that I can maintain my health.  Then, I have a house to take care of.  Usually, there is no down time until it is time to go to bed.

But, trying to explain all of this to her is useless. Jamie cannot seem to comprehend just how busy our lives are because hers is so much different.  Her day typically ends around 3:30 p.m. (Korea time).  That is when she heads back to her apartment where she promptly parks herself on the couch and watches TV (or surfs the web) until bed time.  Her responsibilities are very minimal.

Nonetheless, she practically demands that we put our lives on hold while she is here.  If we turn down too many invitations, she literally tells her mother.  Then we begin getting angry calls from the MIL stating that we do not care about “our sister.”  This is when our weekends get taken away from us, which is really about the only time together that Matt and I have.

Did I mention that when we do finally get together we have to do only what SHE wants to do?  And Jamie has a major addiction:  shopping!  She can easily blow through about $80 a day.  When she sees that Matt and I are not following suit, we appear to be ruining her fun.

This brings me back to that little thing called life.  Like everyone else, we have bills.  There’s the mortgage, utilities, Internet, credit cards, etc.  Not to mention the yearly check-ups for the fur babies.  And do not get me started on groceries!  Have you seen the price of toilet paper lately?

Jamie has a very interesting job situation.  She teaches English as a second language at a Korean school.  As part of the program, she is given a furnished apartment.  Her rent and utilities are paid for.  Plus, she uses the public bus system to get around.  Translation?  She has no car that can spontaneously break down and need emergency repairs.  This is why Jamie appears to have money to burn.

We have tried on numerous occasions to explain that she should be saving her money.  One day she will want to return home for good.  When she does, where will she live?  How will she support herself and her two cats?  No, living with us is NOT an option.

Aside from her constant spending, I noticed another disturbing trend.  Jamie only contacts me when she is “stressed.”  We used to chat on Skype once every month.  She would ask how we were doing, want to see the fur babies and engage us in meaningful conversation.

When I hear the consecutive “dings!” from my Facebook messenger app, I know it’s her.  Her opening remarks?  “OMG!  I am so stressed!”  At first, I would put a lot of thought into my responses and try to help her as best I could.  As these types of conversations became more frequent, I noticed that she never asked how we were.  I began to scale back and simply reply with one word answers.  Jamie would then ask if I was okay because I was not sending her Dr. Phil like advice.

One such session really put me over the edge.  Matt and I were faced with an unexpected expenditure, my Grandma was dying, one of our dogs sprained its’ leg and drama was occurring at both of our jobs.  The fact that Jamie just launched into another tirade about all of the things that were bothering her really upset me.

I decided to give her a dose of her own medicine.  I replied that I knew all about stress and listed all of the items above.  This was met with an “I’m sorry,” and then more about…herself.  What else?

Matt and Jamie were both homeschooled.  While I have nothing against this practice, I do think that it has made Jamie ill-equipped to deal with life’s many ups and downs.  She has led a pretty sheltered life.  I told Matt that she is truly blessed to just now be experiencing stress at age 31.

For me, there was high school, boyfriends, jobs, friend fights, homework, tests, interviews, car and health issues, etc.  I am certainly no stranger to the “s” word.  But, in experiencing these things, I have learned how to cope and move on.  Jamie, on the other hand, literally melts down at the slightest hint of discord.

There will always be a part of me that loves her.  Still, I do not have the time (or the sanity) to devote to coaching her through life.  I want her to find success and happiness, but, she will need to get out of her own way to do so. 

In a world that is becoming ever more narcissistic, we need to be able to see beyond the mirror.  Focusing on others says a lot about who we are.     

 

*name has been changed

Suffocating Sympathy

Three and a half years ago, my Grandma was diagnosed with Mantel Cell Lymphoma.  This is one of the rarest forms of non-Hodgkin’s lymphomas.  There are only about 15,000 people in the United States afflicted with this disease.

I remember getting called out into the hospital hallway with my mother.  The doctor was very blunt:  she had 4-6 months left to live.  Grandma then began to see an oncologist regularly and made the bold decision to have chemotherapy.

We were all expecting the worst.  From what we had heard from the media, chemotherapy was a horrible, almost unbearable treatment that would transform my Grandma into a frail, bald woman. We stayed with her during her very first treatment.  She received the chemotherapy through an i.v.

Where was the radiation chamber that was always shown on the cancer treatment center commercials?  Where was the doctor and team of nurses that should be huddled around her?  Grandma’s chemotherapy was nothing like what we had expected.  She handled her first treatment like a champ.  Her only complaint was that she felt cold, which is very common for the type of treatment she received.

Much to our surprise, Grandma still looked like Grandma.  All of her beautiful gray hair remained firmly on her head.  And her strong spirit was very much evident.  A fighter through and through.

At 91 years old, Grandma was still living at home by herself.  She had a visiting nurse that would come to her house three times a week.  The woman would cook, clean, go shopping, whatever Grandma needed.  But in July of this year, Grandma fell in her bathroom a week after receiving her sixth chemo treatment.  Luckily, she hadn’t hit her head or broken any bones.

She was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that she had renal failure.  Her heart condition was also flaring up AND she developed tumor lysis syndrome.  The oncologist stated that attempting to do any more treatments would be dangerous given her multiple health issues.

Without the chemo, Grandma quickly came out of remission.  The cancer was back and more aggressive than ever.  My mother called me on October 8^th to tell me that Grandma was being placed in Hospice care at the nursing home she had been staying at.

On our way to meet with the Hospice nurse, my mom received another call.  All of Grandma’s doctors decided that she would remain at the hospital for in-patient Hospice.  We had no idea what that meant at the time, but we knew it couldn’t be good.  That is when we learned that instead of having 4-6 months left, she only had 3-5 days.

Grandma continued to fight and made it up to day five.  I personally think that she hung on just to spite the one particularly nasty Hospice nurse who said she would not be around by day 3.  Grandma never was one to be told what to do.

On October 13^th, Grandma went to be with Grandpa in heaven.  I know that God has deemed her His spunkiest angel.

My family and I received a huge outpouring of sympathy and support.  Facebook exploded after I posted that Grandma had passed.  Our neighbor even baked us cinnamon rolls and a loaf of bread!

But, I have learned that there are certain “expectations” that come along with the grieving process.  Specifically the “meltdown.”  Everyone continues to ask me and my mother how we are.  Mom’s response has been “fine” and mine is “okay.”  While I certainly understand the intent of the question, it tends to get a bit ridiculous after a while.

What I would really like to say is:  “I am horrible.  I still cannot believe that my Grandma is no longer going to be a part of my life.  Some days, it even hurts to breath.  I really would like to just stay at home with my fur babies and ignore the world entirely.”

What I cannot understand is why a majority of people are still watching me and my mom to see if we are going to “blow.”  And how they are acting like it is totally strange that we haven’t yet.  My mom and I are very similar in how we grieve.  We are not going to be giving anyone a public “show.” 

There will be no crying jags or shouting outbursts.  Nor will we become quiet and withdrawn.  We both know that we have jobs that we need to do.  Responsibilities to uphold.  Grandma would want us to carry on because she knows that no one will ever forget her.  We just take it one day at a time.

This does not mean that we are not constantly hurting.  Or that we do not care.  Our silence is not an indication that we are gold diggers nor secret serial killers.  No amount of waterworks or screaming will bring Grandma back to us.  Hating the world and everyone in it will not change the fact that she is gone.

One of the attributes that Grandma always loved about me is my positive attitude.  To become a hermit or a hater would only disappoint her.  Instead, I choose to honor her memory by remaining a ray of light in a darkened room.

When we lose someone we love, we should not stop loving.  Everyone, animals included, needs love.  It is the most powerful force in this world.

While love can help to heal a broken heart, one cannot tell a heart when it has been mended.  Grieving is a natural process that is different for each individual.  We should respect each other’s process and cast off our preconceived notions about what is “normal.”