Pointless Papers

I feel like I have been chasing paper my entire life.  No, I am not referring to money.  The paper I have been chasing is academic.

 

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents stressed the importance of education.  And with my mom being a teacher, I could certainly understand why.  Dad would tell me every day before he left for work that “Knowledge is power.”  I foolishly believed him.

 

I would definitely say that I was a prisoner of school.  My entire world revolved around getting good grades.  Not that I didn’t have any incentives.  I was one of the spoiled children that was rewarded with money for a good report card.  I also enjoyed making my parents proud.

 

Being known as one of the “smart kids” was definitely a plus.  I loved sharing my knowledge with my fellow classmates.  As silly as it sounds, I wanted them to succeed, too.  This is not to say that I never struggled with any of my subjects.  Geometry was my downfall.  My brain just does not work that way.

 

Then the awards slowly started to roll in.  It all started back in the third grade.  We were required to write an original short story.  The stories were not only going to be graded, but judged.  The winning story (one from each of the third grade classes) would receive the Young Author Award.  At that age, I didn’t care about awards.  I just loved to tell stories and draw (albeit very poorly).

 

When the teacher stood up at the front of the class and announced that I had won, I felt….amazing!  I was like a five year old on a sugar rush.  I wanted to jump up and down, run through the halls, shout at the top of my lungs.  You get the picture.  My parents were blown away.  I got to attend a special conference and was even given a trophy.

 

That was just the beginning.  In sixth grade, we were made to write another such short story.  I was blessed enough to win another Young Author Award.  Later that year, we all had to write an essay describing what we learned in the D.A.R.E. program and how it had affected our lives.  The night of our D.A.R.E. graduation, we were seated in the auditorium.  The essay winners were to be announced.  Again, I didn’t think I had a chance.  I had just written from my heart and expected nothing in return.  “And from class 5-1….Lauren Kramer!”  My friends cheered as I made my way up to the podium.  I was given a medal (much like that in the Olympics) and made to read my essay out loud to the family filled audience.

 

During my eighth grade graduation ceremony, I was awarded two plaques:  one for Outstanding Spelling Student and another for Outstanding Academic Achievement.  In high school, we are required to meet with a counselor to “determine our path in life.”  I knew right away that I wanted to be a writer of some kind.  The counselor gushed over my grades and promised that I would achieve big things.

 

With my running shoes on, I began to chase paper for a whole new reason:  My future.  I made the Honor Roll every year.  I was inducted into the National Honor Society as well as the National Thespian Society (I play a mean Kanga in “House at Pooh Corner”).  I was in Advanced Placement English all four year and Advanced Placement History for one.  The courses count as college credit.

 

I was completely shocked when I actually earned a certificate for how well I scored in the history portion of the Illinois Prairie State Exam.  I have always hated standardized tests.  They made me extremely nervous.  During my senior year, I earned another certificate for being involved in the Mentor program.  Can you believe that my mentee didn’t know what a Smurf was?  I feel old!

 

My parents and high school counselor kept praising me.  The world was to be my oyster.  Just like Barbie, I could be whatever I wanted to be.  But, not yet.  There was more paper to chase!

 

The keys to my happily ever after future were to come in the form of college degrees.  I was blessed again to receive two scholarships from my high school.  I quickly pounded the pavement towards my Associate in Arts degree.  I was on the Dean’s List every semester.  My most exciting moment was being inducted into Phi Theta Kappa.  This is the honor society where my parents met, so it had more than just an academic meaning for me. 

 

With degree in hand, I didn’t pause or slow down.  The end was in sight.  Time to finish up my academic career with a Bachelor’s degree.  Mass communications-print journalism was my chosen path of study.   I loved being able to study what I was passionate about.  I was getting to hone my craft every day.

 

My mind was completely blown when one of my teachers informed me that I had won the St. Louis Post Dispatch Outstanding Journalism Student Award.  This felt like a momentous achievement.  It is not easy to stand out in a university that sees thousands of students walk through its hallowed halls.  I also felt like it was a sign that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  While I love writing, if I stink at it, I would want someone to tell me.  I cannot imagine wasting my time and energy on something that I don’t even have hope of improving on. 

 

Later in the year, I was inducted into Phi Kappa Phi.  All inductees were informed that less than 1% of students receive this honor.  I was certainly humbled.  Before graduation, I was inducted into the National Scholars Honor Society.  The stars were aligning!

 

 

With my Bachelor’s degree in hand, I had one more paper to conquer:  the elusive resume.  How do a few pieces of paper sum up your entire life?  And I have never been comfortable with "selling" myself.

I have been very fortunate to have continuous employment.  But, for some reason, I have had the misfortune of having terrible bosses.  Even more frustrating is the fact that I cannot seem to ever move up within the same company.

I recently applied for a position within my current place of employment.  The requirements called for a Bachelor's degree, Master's preferred.  Foolishly, I believed that I would at least be granted an interview.  I had, after all, performed the very function that the job required while working in a previous position at the very same company.  I soon found out that the interviews had already been scheduled.

One of my co-workers told me that a Master's degree is the new Bachelor's.  I greatly resent this.  I followed the path the my parents and school counselors had instructed me to.  I excelled in my academics, earning just about every honor and accolade that I could.

In the end, these "honors" are nothing more than useless pieces of paper that hang on the wall of my study.  They have not helped me attain my dream job or even progress slowly up the corporate ladder.

And I have NO desire to go back to school.  I do not miss writing endless papers and studying for hours.  Nor do I miss waking up in the middle of the night worrying about a test the following day.  I would rather spend my "spare" time with my husband and fur babies.

Essentially, I feel as if I have been lied to.  Academic achievement is no guarantee for a successful career.  Parents and academia staff need to continue to encourage students to reach for excellence while keeping their feet on the ground.

Out of the Woods

*SPOILER ALERT!  The plot of Disney's "Into the Woods" will be revealed.

I was hooked from the very first commercial.  "Into the Woods" looked like it was going to be simply amazing.  And the fact that Chris Pine plays a prince is just the cherry on top.

When I got home from work on Saturday, my husband and I headed out to our favorite movie theater.  We were quite surprised to find that there were only about 20 people in attendance.  I excitedly snuggled into my seat and waited for the lights to dim.

About 30 minutes into the movie, a strange feeling came over me.  I tried to shake it off.  But as the movie continued, it only grew stronger....BOREDOM!

Yes, the film that we had been so anxious to see turned out to be an epic fail.  I actually had thoughts about walking out, but I wanted to get my $40 worth (including popcorn and soda, of course).  In the beginning, the audience is introduced to five main characters:  Cinderella, Jack, a witch, Little Red Riding Hood, and a married couple.  Rapunzel gets tossed in later on.

The main plot is that of the married couple, a baker and his wife.  They have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have a child.  One fated day, the witch from next door blows in to tell them that the reason they are barren is because a curse was placed on the baker for the actions of his father.  In order to reverse the spell, the couple must collect the following items: a cape as red as blood, a  cow as white as snow, a slipper pure as gold and hair as yellow as corn.  And this all must be accomplished in three days by midnight.

Though Disney tried to intertwine all of these differing fairy tales, many of the appearances were short lived.  Little Red Riding Hood is literally on screen for about 15 minutes....then she is eaten by the wolf.  By the way, for all of the hype that Johnny Depp has received about being the wolf, his role was a cameo, at best.  When the baker discovers that the wolf has eaten Little Red and her grandma, he immediately cuts the wolf open, saving the day.

We were then made to suffer through a musical montage recapping the scenes leading up to Red being eaten.  Next came the horrible song that Red sang as she was falling down the wolf's throat.  The background was a swirling purple vortex that appeared to have glitter in it.  Seriously?

Moving on to Cinderella.  I was comforted by the fact that Disney seemed to be staying true to the classic version of the fairy tale.  However, Cinderella not only leaves the ball once...but three times.  She is not bound by any magical spell that would turn her riches to rags at midnight.  What plagues her is doubt about whether or not she should stay with the prince.  By the second time she ran away, I had already lost interest in her story.

The witch (who is the next door neighbor to the baker) we soon find out, is the one who is pretending to be Rapunzel's mother.  Unlike "Tangled," her hair does not have any magic powers.  It appears that the witch genuinely cares about her "daughter" and seeks nothing more than her company and love.

I will not regale you with Jack's story.  It is literally just "Jack and the Beanstalk."  The only twist is that a second beanstalk ends up growing in which the recently widowed female giant comes down to take revenge on Jack (who killed her husband).

Here are my personal thoughts as to why this movie is absolutely horrible:

1. It was virtually a musical.  And I am not talking about a regular musical like "Hello, Dolly," where there is actually dialogue in between songs.  I mean to say that almost every single word was sung.  And not always well.  I was expecting something more along the lines of a traditional Disney movie where there are four to five great songs dispersed between an actual, plausible storyline.  This felt more like an opera.  Unfortunately, it was not in a foreign language.

2. Rapunzel's character really had no relevance.  She lent nothing to the main plot other than the fact that she ended up marrying the prince's brother.  She became a princess...and did nothing more.


3.  The witch's final scene made absolutely not sense whatsoever.  She sang an awful song called "Last Midnight."  Her dress swirled around her as she asked her dearly departed mother to curse her again.  Why?  We don't know.  I suppose that the theme is even though she had her youth, she lost her powers and the only thing that she had ever truly cared about:  Rapunzel.  The witch ends up being swallowed by the ground, leaving a large tar pit in her wake.

4.  In the opening scene, we discover that the witch stole the baker's sister when she was a baby as payment for the father's stealing.  The baker is shocked to find that he has a long lost sister.  So, why does he never try to find her or mention her in the movie ever again?

5.  While in the woods, the baker's wife decides that they should split up in order to find Jack.  As she searches, she crosses paths with the newly married prince (Chris Pine).  His bride is nowhere to be found...and he promptly begins a make-out session with the baker's wife.  He then leaves and she sings a song about wanting to have the baker AND the prince.  So....she turns into a hoe after finally giving birth to the child that she and her husband always wanted?  And why was the audience never privy to the fact that the prince was a womanizer?  He seemed totally devoted to Cinderella.  I think that this was very poor scripting.

6.  The prince and his brother sing an atrocious song about being in agony over not having the loves of their lives.  At first, I had been taking the film seriously.  After I saw this number, I began to view the movie as a spoof.  Much in the vain of Monty Python.  I remained confused throughout the rest of the movie.

7.  I also thought that the film was a bit dark for children.  I think that the rating should have been PG-13 as many of the stories held true to the original Grimm Brothers version and not the squeaky clean Disney version.  Case in point,  Cinderella's evil step mother cut off various parts of her daughters' feet in order to make the golden slipper fit.  Cinderella's bird friends pecked out her step sisters' eyes.  The witch made a thorny brier patch grow in front of where Rapunzel's boyfriend was riding and he fell into the thorns, making him blind.  Not exactly the feel good story of the year.
 
8.  The ending was abominable.  The witch, widowed giant, Jack's mom and baker's wife are all dead.
  Cinderella will be divorcing the prince.  The baker decides that Cinderella, Jack and Little Red Riding Hood can all come and live with him.  As he tries to quiet his crying son, an image of his wife appears to him and he begins to tell the whole story that we (unfortunately) had just witnessed.  A reprise of one of the witch's songs plays as the movie fades to black.  I literally turned to my husband and said, "What did we just see?"


There were several aspects of the film that I did like.  Meryl Streep did a fantastic job in the role as the witch.  She can really act and sing.  Her costume was very beautiful.  James Corden also gave a wonderful performance and to me, was the stand out actor in the movie.

All in all, I don't know what Disney was thinking when they created this film.  I fear that the company may be feeling a bit too comfortable after their huge success with "Frozen."  I hope that they will be able to find their way out of the woods and onto better projects.

Fitness Fallacy

Fitness is a crucial component in my life.  I make exercising a priority five out of the seven days of the week.  Healthy foods have replaced the harmful processed items that I used to binge on at the local McDonald’s.

 

Being physically fit reaps so many benefits other than a nice looking body.  Completing my workouts makes me feel strong.  This strength is felt in my mind as well as my triceps.  I feel more confident in who I am and the decisions that I make.  Taking care of myself aids in the nurturing of my spirit, which is necessary for a healthy soul.

 

Aside from my numerous workout DVD’s (Jillian Micheals, POP Pilates), I also subscribe to both Shape and Self magazines.  These have been instrumental in my journey for a healthier self.  I especially love getting to read about celebrities that actually eat like real people.  No crazy juice diets or pill popping here!

 

As I excitedly leaf through the glossy pages each month, I notice that the “standard” weight that both magazines use to measure how many calories their suggested workouts will burn is based upon a 145 pound woman.  I then discovered a reoccurring theme in the stories in which one reader shares her incredible fitness turnaround:  Size issues.  Many of the woman explain that they were wearing a size 10 in jeans before their transformation.  They go on to talk about how embarrassed they were to have ever been in such a “large” size.  Most are now happily wearing a size 4 or smaller.

 

Why does this strike such a chord with me?    I wear a size 12.  I bet you are trying to visualize what I look like.  By saying “size 12,” I am sure that many of you are picturing a short, rotund woman who spends her mornings at Dunkin Donuts and her evenings at Pizza Hut.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am 5 ft 11” and weigh a healthy 148 pounds.  Could I fit into a size 10?  Absolutely.  But the problem is not the size of the jeans, it is the length.  Being such a tall person, I have a very difficult time finding pants that fit around my waist AND are long enough to not make me look like Steve Urkel.  A size 10 will fit my waist, but you will definitely be seeing my socks, while wearing a size 12 gives me the necessary length, but is HUGE around my waist.

 

I do not believe that I am the only woman in such a predicament.  And the clothing industry does not make matters any better.  I remember watching a special on TV where they were discussing the ever changing jean sizes.  One of the manufacturers admitted that extra larges are the new large, larges are the new medium and mediums are the new small.  Seriously?  How can something that is medium ever be considered a small?

 

The problem is that we, as women, are judging ourselves as well as others based on our supposed “size.”  You should NEVER try to ascertain your healthiness based upon the size of pants that you wear.  I remember trying to stick to a 1,200 calorie diet at the very beginning of my journey.  I felt like I was dying.  I would eat my cereal in the morning, a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner.  I would exercise daily and by the time I was ready for bed, my stomach was growling.  I felt like I had not eaten in days.

 

My husband finally said to me, “You know, I don’t think you can sustain yourself on 1,200 calories.  Everyone is different.”  Such a simple, yet profound statement.  I had not considered the fact that being taller adds more muscle mass and that I would need more calories to function.  When I upped my intake to 1, 500 calories, everything fell into place.  I was eating well but not feeling like a ravenous vulture.  I was able to lose weight and tone up while adhering to a plan that works for me.

 

Judging ourselves by the number on the scale is also very dangerous.  For me, weighing 148 pounds is normal.  My doctors always compliment me on being such a healthy individual.  However, if someone were 5 ft. 2”, weighing this much may be seen as being obese.  On the flip side, if someone of my height weighed only 90 pounds, we would swear that she was anorexic or dying due to some terminal illness.

 

*There are numerous factors that need to be considered when deciding what course of action to take in regards to starting a new fitness plan.  Some of these factors include:

 

1.       Weight

2.       Height

3.       Muscle mass

4.       Daily caloric intake

5.       Existing health issues

 

There is no such thing as a cookie cutter person.  We are not all the same and should not be made to feel that there is an “ideal” number we should be trying to ascribe to.  Being different is what makes us the beautiful goddess that we are.  Embrace your beauty and continue to be the best version of yourself.  You are worth it!

 

 

*Please consult with your physician before beginning any type of new fitness regime.

Disasterous Disney

 

For my 30^th birthday, I received the ultimate gift:  a trip to Disney World!  This is literally my favorite place on the entire planet.  When I am there, I feel just like a little kid.  Excitedly racing through the park to ride my favorite rides, standing in line to get a beloved character’s autograph.  Heaven!

 

This was to be my third trip to Disney World.  I could not believe that I was actually going to be in Florida for Christmas!  But our trip did not turn out the way that we had planned…

 

 

 

1.  Rudeness - My husband and I are fairly patient people (me more so than him).  However, the sheet rudeness of many of the park goers was unbelievable.  Adults as well as children were shoving us from all sides.  Parents were actually encouraging their children to get in front of us so that they could get on the rides sooner.  Still, other “parents” were using their strollers as weapons.  They would actually push their strollers (with their children inside) into people like a plow.  No apologies were ever given.

 

Many of the park goers appeared to be sick (me included).  Adults as well as children were freely coughing into the air, not making any attempts to cover their mouths.  While riding on the Disney bus from our hotel to one of the parks, we saw several children run their hands across their running nose and then place their hands on the seat, window, pole support, etc.  Germs were everywhere!  While I had an upper respiratory infection, I still packed medicine and tissues in my purse.  If I felt a sneeze coming, I would whip out a tissue.  And I ALWAYS cover my mouth with my arm when I cough.  This prevents my germs from spraying carelessly into the air (or face of the person next to me) or being spread by my hands.  I cannot understand why people are so careless.

 

2. Disrespect – I was shocked and appalled as I watched waves of children race into shops and begin touching EVERYTHING.  While I understand that they are excited and want to cuddle the plush characters, they were touching glass ornaments, glass mugs, etc.  Not only could they have broken the merchandise, they could have gotten hurt in the process.   And children are not always the cleanest of creatures.  So, if they were sick, about 90% of the store’s items are now covered in their germs.  Ew!

While wandering in the Animal Kingdom, we came across this amazing man from Africa.  He was actually carving a piece of wood into an animal.  Matt and I were fascinated.  This man used different pick axe-like tools and a saw to create a figure without a pattern.  I stood transfixed for about 20 minutes.  In that time, children and several adult couples walked right in front of the man so that they could get through the park quicker.  I was livid.  While I know that this man was doing his “job,” he was skillfully creating something with his hands.  People were watching.  Would that not be a sign for you to go around the group, not through it?  I feel sorry for that wonderful man that has to deal with such disrespect on a daily basis.

 

 

3. Lack of Parenting – This was the most dumbfounding aspect to me.  We saw many children that were unattended.  While Disney World is supposed to be the happiest place on earth, creepers can still purchase a one day pass to the park.  Their children could be taken in seconds.  Maybe that was their plan….

While waiting in line to meet Mary Poppins, there was a rather large Hispanic family in front of us.  One of their children was asleep in a stroller.  After the family posed for their picture with Ms. Poppins, they began to walk away…leaving their sleeping child behind in the line!  Thankfully, another Hispanic family was behind us and they were able to alert the other parents before they got too far away.

 

We went to Epcot on Christmas Day.  Good thing; the Magic Kingdom was so full, they actually had to close the gates and not allow any more people in!  On our way to a shop, we saw the line for Duffy the Bear.  Matt and I passed three children lying on a bench and took our place in line.  Suddenly, the three children got up and ran in front of us.  They cut in line!  We spoke loudly to each other about us being there first and them cutting, just to get the point across.  That is when we hear their mother yelling at them from another bench further down from Duffy.  “Why did you get out of line?” she blared.  Okay, fine.  Let the kiddies cut.  Breath in, breath out.  But it didn’t stop there.  The children were hitting each other with their autograph books, attempting to draw on the Duffy book pedestals with their pens and then CLIMBED onto the pedestals.  They were gyrating around so much that they ended up kicking and stepping on my husband several times.  When we FINALLY got close to Duffy, the children then began to fight about whose pen they were going to use.  Their dad appeared out of nowhere and ended up staying with them for the remaining two minutes.

 

In the meantime, there was a family behind us: mom, two girls, one boy.  Do you know what they were doing?  Quietly sitting on the ground waiting patiently.  There were no fights, no yelling.  Their mom asked them if they had their autograph books and pens ready.  The children held them up eagerly to show their readiness.  I was blown away by the difference in the children’s behavior.  Before we met Duffy (and while the devil children were leaving), I turned around to the woman and said, “Your children are so well behaved.  Thank you for being a great parent.”  She was speechless.  She thanked me up and down and then turned to her children and said, “You all get gold stars.  You just got a compliment.”  I think that good parents should be thanked for the wonderful job that they are doing.  Not everyone is up to par.

 

 

4. Following the Rules -  I do not care what country you come from, I guarantee that you have laws/rules that you are required to follow.  Disney World is no exception.  The one rule that really stands out in my mind is the concept of the line.  A line as defined by Webster is :  “an arrangement or placement of persons or objects of one kind in an orderly series…”  I was simply amazed by the number of people who thought that they shouldn’t have to wait in a line (or queue for my friends in England).  We witnessed people jumping over the velvet ropes to get further ahead.  Others had friends wait in line for them.  People began to flood in out of nowhere and take their place at the head of the line with their “party” while Matt and I (who had been waiting patiently waiting) got pushed further back.  At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old person, that is not fair.  Surely, every country understands the concept of waiting your turn.  Aren’t their lines at banks and grocery stores in China, Japan, India, Mexico, etc.?  The idea of instant gratification has gotten grossly out of hand.  It’s not like the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is going to shut down if you aren’t on the next boat.  Elsa and Anna aren’t going to go to Arendelle and never return.  They are literally back within 5-10 minutes.  Once you’ve waited for 40, what difference does a few more minutes make?

 

 

5.  Complaining – I cannot count the number of times that we heard people complaining….about everything!  Residents of our hotel crabbed every day about how long it took the park buses to pick us up.  They gripped about how long it took to get to the parks, then about the “long” walk to the park gates.  Then there were the complaints about the long lines for the rides, shows, characters, food. 

 

 

6.  Cell Phones – I guess this should come as no surprise, but people of all ages were on their cell phones as they walked throughout the parks.  They were texting, tweeting, Facebooking, etc.  I was so saddened to see how no one seemed to be paying attention to the magic that surrounded them.  It’s not every day that you get to eat at the Beast’s castle or have your picture taken with Princess Jasmine.  Instead of making memories with their loved ones, they were tuning out everything but the technology.  This of course made for hazardous walking conditions because the phoners were not watching where they were going.  Not to mention the pile ups caused by people needing to stop and take a selfie.

 

 

7.  Character Photos – Matt and I are obsessed with photos.  He loves to take them and I love to post them.  My mom was a complete rock star and purchased the Disney Memory Maker package, allowing us to keep all of the photos that the Disney park photographers had taken of us.  While we didn’t mind waiting in line, we did have a problem with the people that treated a character photo like a family photo session at JC Penny.  For instance, one family had mom, dad, 2 daughters and a son.  When they met Minnie, they had to have a photo of:

 

a.       The entire family w/Minnie

b.      Just mom w/Minnie

c.       Just dad w/Minnie

d.      The children w/Minnie

e.      Each daughter alone w/Minnie

f.        The son alone w/Minnie

 

 You can imagine how lengthy of a process this becomes.  Especially if each family expects this.  I can understand a family photo and then a photo with just the kids.  But, each child does not need an individual picture.  Remember, there is a line full of people waiting for just one photo with the desired character.

 

 

I am greatly saddened that I have seen such a decline in the atmosphere at Disney World from my trips in 2000, 2009 and 2014.  All in all, we did have a wonderful time.  I hope that when we return (whenever that may be) that more of the magic will be restored.  Maybe they need a bit more pixie dust.