I
love listening to Jillian Michaels’ podcasts! They are free on iTunes
and I find that I am always motivated after listening to one. I was
also lucky enough to get to see her live at the Fox for her “Maximize
Your Life” Tour.
One
point that she emphasized was getting rid of toxic people from your
life. I understand this concept all too well. I was always the girl
that had a best girlfriend. Suddenly, as I got older, I noticed that
the “friend” would begin
to drift. She would become demanding, self-centered and constantly
criticizing me. I would feel horrible and give in to her demands to
keep her as a friend. But, I realized that the “drifting” usually
occurred after I had achieved something; aced a test,
gotten a boyfriend, went to a concert.
These
girls that I thought were my friends became jealous of my achievements
and overall life. They wanted what I had, but were unwilling to work
for it. That’s when they began to demand that I give them my full
attention and time,
probably so that I would not continue to grow as a person.
It
took me a while to understand that girls are very jealous creatures. I
soon found that I had many friends that were boys. They didn’t feel the
need to compete with me or compare our lives. We could truly just be
friends and enjoy
great conversations (and plenty of laughs).
In
high school, I amassed a small posse. This consisted of both boys and
girls. Whenever we got together, we had a great time. But, as I got
older, my “younger” friends (by about 2 years) began to pull away. I
was busy going to school
and working part-time, preparing myself to be independent. I soon saw
them driving around town, laughing. Having fun without me. I would cry
about being left out and wonder what had I done wrong. After about two
weeks, I would call the one friend in particular
(who was male) and ask if we were still friends. Pretty desperate,
right?
Like my husband, I am a person who
believes that friendship should actually mean something. If my friends
need me, I am there. No matter what, no matter when. So, why was I
getting the cold shoulder? My “friend” assured me that everything
was fine, of course we were still friends and would then make plans to
hang out.
And that would last for a few weeks.
Then, I would catch the group out and about again. I later learned from
another mutual friend that my group thought I was “boring.”
Apparently, it was “cooler” to go to the movies and steal arm rests.
Yes, they really did that. I preferred to watch movies at home, play
the Wii, go to the mall, order a pizza. In my mind, normal stuff. What
these people wanted to do was not grow up.
Then
the subject of drinking arose. I do not drink, but I do not label
those that do. These “friends” wanted to get drunk every time that they
got together. I knew exactly why they were keeping me on the back
burner. I could be the
designated driver. No, thanks! As hard as it was for me to let them
go, I did. No more phone calls to see if we were “okay.” Like an
ex-boyfriend, I simply let them walk out of my life.
What
happened to me then? Well, I met my husband, got engaged, got married,
got a house, adopted dogs, got a great job. In other words, nothing
bad came from not holding on to those friendships. And last I heard,
these people are STILL
doing the same childish things. They have not yet graduated from
college, are still living with their parents and have less than
fulfilling jobs.
Early
in my working world career, I befriended a woman that I thought was
going to be my next BFF. Not having one since high school, I was very
excited. We laughed every time that we were together. She was even in
my wedding as a bridesmaid.
But after I got married, I noticed a disturbing trend: she began
competing with me. After my husband and I moved into a duplex, she and
her boyfriend moved into an apartment. When my husband and I adopted a
second dog, she and her boyfriend adopted a dog.
Then,
the fights started. Every day, she would come to my desk and ask what I
had done over the weekend. One time I told her, “Matt and I went to
the Kelly Clarkson concert.” She immediately fired back that that was a
waste of my money.
Later, she told me that she had spent $150 on tennis shoes! Who is
wasting money now? Every time I would tell her what I had done over the
weekend, she would offer up what she had done and why it was so much
better than my plans had been. What gives? I
wasn’t bragging, I was answering her question.
Pretty soon, she stopped coming to my desk because, “Why should I always go to
her desk?” She was the one that had started that morning
ritual. I could not understand why she was treating me so poorly. And
just like in grade school, I pandered to her…for a while. I would go to
her desk and pretend to be overly interested in
her life. “You bought toilet paper? How wonderful!” But, I was truly
getting nothing out of the friendship except for pain.
She only wanted to talk about herself.
She viewed everything between the two of us as a competition. I could
not continue battling with her every day. Most importantly, she was
poisoning my life. I was miserable caving in all the time.
One day after work, I went home and unfriended her on Facebook. I was
prepared for the backlash, but none came.
When she later found out that I had
gotten a job elsewhere, she began to be friendly again. I only took her
comments at face value. I did not rush to my computer to friend her
again. That chapter of our relationship was over. While
I was cordial to her, I was not ready to go back to the abusive
situation that I had been in.
Once I let go of these relationships,
my life became happier. I no longer had to worry about pleasing any
one. I could focus on my husband, house, dogs, dreams. Does it bother
me that I don’t have a gaggle of girls to talk with? Occasionally,
but that is when I take a good look around me and see how blessed I
really am. I do not need a million friends on Facebook or twitter to
feel fulfilled. I am happy with the people that are in my life. As for
a BFF? I married him.
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